South Florida Barbies
GABLES BARBIE: This Barbie is sold only at Bloomingdales or Merrick Park.
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV and a
long-haired foreign dog named Honey. Available with or without tummy tuck and
face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with augmented version.
DORAL BARBIE: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Chrysler
minivan, cookie-cutter house, country club membership and matching gym outfit.
She gets lost easily and has no fulltime occupation or secondary education.
Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.
HOMESTEAD BARBIE: This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes
with a 9mm hand gun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows,
and a meth-lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can be paid
for only in cash, preferably in small, untraceable bills (unless you are a
cop, then we don't know what you are talking about). Also available with a
mobile home.
BRICKELL BARBIE: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible
or Volvo wagon. Included are a Starbucks travel cup, credit cards, French
pedicure and exclusive gym membership. Also available for this set are Real
Estate Magnate Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford
any of them.
BROWARD BARBIE: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans
two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety-Bird tattoo on her shoulder.
She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can
spit over 5 feet and kick Mullet-Haired Ken's ass when she's drunk. Purchase
her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker
absolutely free.
BOCA BARBIE: This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print
bikini, Jimmy Choo slides and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends
at her custom, 12,000 sq. ft. house. Shallow Ken can be found in the cabana
making out with Jail Bait Skipper. Percocet prescription included.
KENDALL BARBIE: This brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of high-heeled sandals
with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Hialeah
Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise jeans, fake fingernails, and a
see-through halter top.
COCONUT GROVE BARBIE: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight
brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with
white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." he does not want or need
a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Coconut Grove Barbies and the optional
Subaru wagon, you get a free rainbow flag sticker.
HIALEAH BARBIE: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.
Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79
Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of
the infant. Hialeah Barbie speaks no English, has a lifetime membership to
Sedanos Supermarket and has the raft on which she arrived bronzed and on
display in her front yard alongside the Saint Lazaro statue.
KEY BISCAYNE BARBIE: With frosted blonde hair and a French manicure, she's
perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away
hunting or golfing.
SOUTH BEACH BARBIE/KEN: This versatile doll can be easily converted from
Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.
Dangerous Al-Gebra Movement
At New York Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a
public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a
calculator. Attorney general John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of
the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons
of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed," Ashcroft said. "They desire
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent
in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with
names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as
"unknowns," we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part
of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great
Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every
triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted
us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes."
Nun at Hooters
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the nun asked?
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.
However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
