Joke Blog
Little Johnny on Worms
Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was
put into a jar of alcohol, the second into a jar of cigarette smoke,
the third into a jar of sperm, the fourth into a jar of soil. After
one day, these are the results:
first worm - dead
second worm - dead
third worm - dead
fourth worm - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from
this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said:
"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
A really bad day...
Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree
with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you
doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree."
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, OK..."
So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the
tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his
wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves.
Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy
handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asks, "What the hell
happened to you?"
He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.
While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in
sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says,
"This just ain't your day!"
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
...I'm sure some of you can relate, and those that can't, well, this might explain why we are the way we are.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
Women's education courses now being offered
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Chores Can Wait Until After the Game
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
15. Introduction to Parking
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving Towels on the Floor
18. Wate r Retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
25. Sex - It's For Married Couples, Too
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
29. Ballet: For Women Only
30. Oil and Gasoline: Your Car Needs BOTH
31. Learning to Use Public Toilets
32. Learning to Use the Toilet in Bars Without your Friends
33. Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big? - Why Men Lie
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only
35. Sexy Lingerie: It's Not Just For Special Occasions
Drunk Driving Test
A County Deputy pulled a car over on Hwy US 41 about 2 miles north of the Wis / Mich state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Green Bay to do a show that night at the Casino, where he had a gig and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was! doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, then he went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass to jail -- there's no way in Hell I can pass that test."
Magic Windows
I'm an 82 year old senior. I am tired of people treating me like I'm an ignorant young child.
Last year I had several windows in my house replaced. They were the expensive double-insulated, energy efficient windows.
This week I received a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and that I had failed to pay for them. My gracious, did we go round and round! I told him that no one pulls a fast one on this old lady!! Even though I am a senior citizen and was a blonde in my younger days, that doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him exactly what his salesman told me last year:
"In one year, they will pay for themselves"
Ralph the Rooster
Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph
The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money."
"Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."
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