Joke Blog
Chemical Fire
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames
held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files..
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant ...and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly,
Norske firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing vedo is fix da brakes on dat foocking truck!"
South Florida Barbies
GABLES BARBIE: This Barbie is sold only at Bloomingdales or Merrick Park.
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV and a
long-haired foreign dog named Honey. Available with or without tummy tuck and
face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with augmented version.
DORAL BARBIE: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Chrysler
minivan, cookie-cutter house, country club membership and matching gym outfit.
She gets lost easily and has no fulltime occupation or secondary education.
Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.
HOMESTEAD BARBIE: This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes
with a 9mm hand gun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows,
and a meth-lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can be paid
for only in cash, preferably in small, untraceable bills (unless you are a
cop, then we don't know what you are talking about). Also available with a
mobile home.
BRICKELL BARBIE: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible
or Volvo wagon. Included are a Starbucks travel cup, credit cards, French
pedicure and exclusive gym membership. Also available for this set are Real
Estate Magnate Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford
any of them.
BROWARD BARBIE: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans
two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety-Bird tattoo on her shoulder.
She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can
spit over 5 feet and kick Mullet-Haired Ken's ass when she's drunk. Purchase
her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker
absolutely free.
BOCA BARBIE: This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print
bikini, Jimmy Choo slides and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends
at her custom, 12,000 sq. ft. house. Shallow Ken can be found in the cabana
making out with Jail Bait Skipper. Percocet prescription included.
KENDALL BARBIE: This brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of high-heeled sandals
with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Hialeah
Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise jeans, fake fingernails, and a
see-through halter top.
COCONUT GROVE BARBIE: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight
brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with
white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." he does not want or need
a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Coconut Grove Barbies and the optional
Subaru wagon, you get a free rainbow flag sticker.
HIALEAH BARBIE: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.
Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79
Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of
the infant. Hialeah Barbie speaks no English, has a lifetime membership to
Sedanos Supermarket and has the raft on which she arrived bronzed and on
display in her front yard alongside the Saint Lazaro statue.
KEY BISCAYNE BARBIE: With frosted blonde hair and a French manicure, she's
perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away
hunting or golfing.
SOUTH BEACH BARBIE/KEN: This versatile doll can be easily converted from
Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.
Dangerous Al-Gebra Movement
At New York Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a
public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a
calculator. Attorney general John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of
the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons
of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed," Ashcroft said. "They desire
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent
in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with
names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as
"unknowns," we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part
of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great
Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every
triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted
us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes."
Nun at Hooters
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the nun asked?
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.
However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
Little Johnny on Worms
Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was
put into a jar of alcohol, the second into a jar of cigarette smoke,
the third into a jar of sperm, the fourth into a jar of soil. After
one day, these are the results:
first worm - dead
second worm - dead
third worm - dead
fourth worm - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from
this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said:
"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
A really bad day...
Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree
with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you
doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree."
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, OK..."
So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the
tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his
wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves.
Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy
handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asks, "What the hell
happened to you?"
He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.
While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in
sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says,
"This just ain't your day!"
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
...I'm sure some of you can relate, and those that can't, well, this might explain why we are the way we are.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
Women's education courses now being offered
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Chores Can Wait Until After the Game
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
15. Introduction to Parking
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving Towels on the Floor
18. Wate r Retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
25. Sex - It's For Married Couples, Too
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
29. Ballet: For Women Only
30. Oil and Gasoline: Your Car Needs BOTH
31. Learning to Use Public Toilets
32. Learning to Use the Toilet in Bars Without your Friends
33. Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big? - Why Men Lie
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only
35. Sexy Lingerie: It's Not Just For Special Occasions
Drunk Driving Test
A County Deputy pulled a car over on Hwy US 41 about 2 miles north of the Wis / Mich state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Green Bay to do a show that night at the Casino, where he had a gig and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was! doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, then he went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass to jail -- there's no way in Hell I can pass that test."
Magic Windows
I'm an 82 year old senior. I am tired of people treating me like I'm an ignorant young child.
Last year I had several windows in my house replaced. They were the expensive double-insulated, energy efficient windows.
This week I received a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and that I had failed to pay for them. My gracious, did we go round and round! I told him that no one pulls a fast one on this old lady!! Even though I am a senior citizen and was a blonde in my younger days, that doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him exactly what his salesman told me last year:
"In one year, they will pay for themselves"
Ralph the Rooster
Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph
The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money."
"Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."
Hi all, just wanted to see how blogger and hostspot works. I'll be playing with it for a few days.....
